Are you shy? Does it frighten you to meet someone new, especially because of all the things you have been through in past experiences with people? Trust issues? Feel like you don’t matter, or no one will care anyway? Or have you just not ever been able to connect to someone out of fear of rejection? I can relate. My closest relationship that I know I am fully confident in is not even with another human being. From birth I was abandoned by both of my biological parents. I was rejected by the very thing that gives us a feeling of belonging and acceptance, family. I have none. The family experiences I have had have all been foster families or group homes and they are not here with me now. I’m not even adopted. I have always been the friend to others, but no one has ever been a friend to me. From humans anyway.
Is your situation similar? Maybe you’re the one who was awkward in school and decided not to open up to letting people in because there were things in your personal life you just didn’t want people to know. I can relate to this as well. In my situation it’s not like I went around announcing that I was the abused child, that my mother was an addict, an alcoholic, and a prostitute or that I was a foster kid. I hid most of the time to avoid people because I wasn’t dressed in the up-to-date fashion or because my mom shaved all my hair off bald out of anger for the billionth time. My shoes were only the talk of the town when I was being made fun of or bullied, only causing me to become the bully’s bully. I was the epidemy of poverty and most of the time I would miss school because I was so beaten that my mother didn’t want me to cause her any problems should people find out. Why am I sharing all of this and how can I now? Will because I know firsthand what it feels like to be alone utterly alone. The outcast, the secret keeper, the awkward one, the judged.
I have not ever tried to fit in or be the center of attention quite the opposite I want to avoid people. I still avoid people and for reason I feel is justified. I want to be alone and not speak. And yet here I am pouring myself out to you and why? For self-acknowledgement? Absolutely not. The reason is simply because I know what it feels like to be rejected, pushed aside, unwanted, unnoticed, unloved, alone, and not accepted. It’s not just that, I have made choices in my own life that have caused me grief and have made me feel shameful, a failure and worthless.
I am a mom of five children, three of which have special needs, a single mom at that. Not just one father but three. One failed marriage. Single now. I am no stranger to addiction either. I have been abused by men and as a child both physically and sexually abused. I have been homeless, I have committed crimes, ran with the wrong crowd, and even tried to end my life. Was anorexic with low self-esteem. There’s a load of things that I am not good at and don’t try to pretend that I am. I have seen things that I probably shouldn’t have and experienced things I wish didn’t even happen.
I had a sister she was my only biological sister; She was addicted to drugs and was tormented by her own life then in 2013 at the age of 28 she committed suicide. She was the only human connection and bloodline I had to this life and earth. I have lost people at choice by them and from death. I have experienced loss not just of humans but of things and a loss of myself. I was broken, I still am, and I have realized another human is not going to fix me, that nothing of success or material is going to fix me.
I am imperfect for sure; I believe we all are. However, I have some successes too. My past doesn’t define my identity or determine what I am capable of or can do. My bad choices or mistakes no longer cause me to harm myself. Even though I have been hurt by people it doesn’t prevent me from helping others I haven’t given in to giving up on them. I definitely don’t think or believe that because everything I have been through, I am owed anything and entitled. I don’t want handouts or even pity and fake attention. And I find no satisfaction in anyone being mistreated for any of the wrong they have done to me or to others. I went to school and got several degrees. I raise my children living a drug free alcohol-free life. Yes, Bill still calls asking for that handout and I strongly think parenting should be a college course I need to take. Sure, life still likes to come pay a visit and try to knock me down and believe me if life was an actual person, I can’t say I would behave and not act on impulse punching life in the face more than once because I would. And yes, people who I think will not; and I mean the obvious not lie break my trust treat me bad leave me yeah, they still do. I want to make this clear I am not a victim, or a victim of circumstance and I am not weak just human.
Still though I am not clueless to know that all these things I just mentioned break people. All these situations cause high emotions and that causes us to hide even more for fear of being misunderstood or not good enough and even worse not deserving. It causes insecurities, anxiety, PTSD and depression, worst of all hopelessness. It also causes us to wear a mask hoping that everyone will look only upon the outside and leave the inside alone. We, ourselves, are our worst enemy at times with the help of the enemy himself. Know this, when other people are doing or saying things that may harm us, they are in cohorts with this same enemy but are in fact, inside themselves, dealing with the same circumstances as we are if not worse that they themselves are using a mask to hide.
Because I know what all of this looks like and how all of this feels I do not ever want anyone else to feel that way. But at the same time with my reluctance to get to know people how can I be positive in someone’s life instead of thinking about the negative they may become in mine?
Remember the non-human I talked about at the beginning. I bet you thought I was talking about my dog, I’m a cat person so…. That not human though is God, Jesus, the only way I know how to relate to anyone, this ability despite tragedy is because of him.
I was eight years old in a foster home the first time I learned who he really was. At that time, I was a very abused lonely misunderstood child who couldn’t understand why my mother didn’t want me or loved me, always asking what was wrong with me, why am I so unwanted. My behavior towards others wasn’t a reflection of that looking for acceptance and love but of one cautious and determined to not allow anyone to hurt me. A true survival state of mind to live another day though I saw no reason or point.
In one of the foster families, I was in they went to a church. The Sunday school teacher I had was the one who was able to show me who I am to Jesus. I walked into his class and sitting on the table a phone with the cord still attached sitting there. Me being observant and scared but curious said what do you think we are just going to call God; you can’t call God. The teacher just smiled at me and said that is exactly what we are going to do. I learned that very day that Jesus hears me, and I do not need a phone for that.
That changed my life because to know that I was being heard was huge. I had always felt at that time no one could see me or hear me, especially the hurt I was dealing with. I still do not think I am heard by humans to this day. Now I choose to stay quiet to them then there is no need to be talking only to not be heard. When I do want to be heard I know exactly who hears me and I am so comfortable going to him and telling him everything. He sees everything too so sometimes I don’t have to explain he just knows, and he comforts me. I started Tragedy to Testimony for you. I don’t know you and I am not going to pry you out of you. But I see you. I see you because God sees you. I want to hear you because God has heard you even though you don’t even know it. We tend to look all over for that person to see us, hear us, love us, and accept us, with an unfortunate letdown. It hurts and it leaves us a void. We are lied to disregarded humiliated and tossed to and from being told if we do this or that we will be noticed and heard just to be disappointed because we still aren’t. Even if we do something to get noticed they still don’t know us inside. We are so much more than what we allow people to see. But, God sees you, Jesus sees you.
I can see how it could be hard for you to believe in something you can’t see, or even listen to me tell you about something that seems crazy. But my life is evident of the love acceptance and worth I received from him. I can guarantee I have not ever in my whole life received it from another human. I honestly stopped looking for it in people because I know for sure I will not ever find it unless they know Jesus. He knows my inside he sees behind my mask and has no judgement. He says I am welcome to be me. I am welcome to talk to him about my troubles. I can confide in him about what I perceived as my failures. I am able to take my mistakes to him and he takes them and says I am forgiven what I do is not who I am to him. This is the first time I have gone public about this, and I can assure you I was not in any way ready to tell you all the things I have told you. Jesus asked me to for you, and because of all he has done for me, I want you to have that to, if this is you. It won’t bother me what you may think of me or how you will judge me because I am sure you know what it feels like to be judged. Your judgement does not matter to me. Even if you do judge me, I am fine with that because you don’t make me matter or define my worth Jesus does and I am so secure in this.
What I wanted to say I have said and what I want you to know is this I am a testimony of grace, mercy, love, and acceptance. Jeus is real and God is real. I don’t even need to show you anything visually to prove that to you, I can simply go into so many details about all the situations I have only gave a very small glimpse of to you that Jesus got me through, was there even when I was not walking in faith with him, prodigal is the word for that and he, still judgement free, rejection free, took me back and forgave me and then helped me through every single moment. I still make mistakes I am still very broken, and I am okay with that because then it means I will always need the one, Jesus, who helps me, who loves me unconditionally, accepts me, and listens to me and he is more then happy to oblige; he makes me a priority he sees me, and he comforts me.
No life is not any easier because I know him. As a matter of fact, it is harder but a lot more manageable. My life has always been that way. The difference is I know who is going through it with me and is helping me when there is no one and I mean literally no one there with me or for me. The last thing I want to leave you with is this, If you are saying that you have read the Bible and you have read things that say God requires this or that I am going to say this you have judged what you don’t know and aren’t we doing what others have done to you, judge you, reject you, not listen to you. Why should you be given a chance with someone, a human, if you aren’t willing to give him a chance. All he wants is a chance to show himself and his insides to you, what he has done and been through and especially for you. Are you willing to allow him to get to know you as well?
At the end of the day this is me sometimes a very hot mess and broken but not alone anymore not hiding behind a mask anymore because I have Jesus. He is special to me. I am willing to share him with you but not unless you are willing to accept him. He is such a precious gift to me that I want to share with everyone. Will you refuse a free gift? If this is you, all the above I described then send me an email. I would love to tell you more about him. If you just have more questions about me, I am also willing to answer those but not here, no not here this purpose is not for me but for Jesus.
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